I am weary. I am weary of this season, this winter, this continuance. But this is simply the external response to a deeper weariness. There is a winter upon my mind and heart that brings weight to the soul. I do not suffer the anxieties of Seasonal Affective Disorder as I spend a great part of each of my days traversing between buildings and experiencing the outdoors of my work. Nor would I label this "depression" as I daily find new joys in my bride, my children, and my Father. Rather, I find my personal weariness extends from a heightening frustration endured in finding the balance of laying down one's life and picking up our cross as instructed by our Savior and simultaneously finding such actions brings one into the arena of actively engaging in a war against hellish forces for others' well-being, lives, and even souls while others pass by with indifference. Too often such is the fate of the wounded, the fatherless, the downtrodden.
I am currently aware of two young men being ravaged by the enemy of our souls, attacked in every manner; in their sense of self-worth, moral compasses and in the directional pull of others. With one attempting to end their life only weeks ago, I desire to mentor these young men, to speak words of life and truth into their lives and yet I am one piece of the puzzle, limited in the effort and frustrated at the lack of supportive groundswell around both of them - a groundswell of love, affirmation, valuation, and movement towards them and their families by the redeemed as these families are in the fight of their lives for these young mens' very lives and eternal futures.
At home, a six year old girl is far too wise for her years and very astute, despite often play-acting the child. She is beginning to reconcile a conclusive reality that her birth mother may have parental rights permanently terminated in a matter of weeks. This child's heart is torn between fears of varying natures; a fear of returning to a home which has previously known violence, a fear of being permanently removed from that home and losing birth parents, a fear of losing relationship and contact with beloved siblings, even a fear of retaliatory harm towards us. The resultant internalization of emotions as she seeks to protect everyone displays itself in tantrums, bathroom accidents, and misbehaviors of varying types and severity. Her four-year old brother often follows suit, having less emotional attatchment to his birth parents and suffering greater loss in the severing of relationship with previous foster parents as the upheaval in his life often comes to a head in frequent disobedience, lying, and other misbehaviors. Firm words and discipline are paired with love and affirmation resulting in a chaotic storm of tears as small ones seek to find their identity while always bracing themselves for anticipated blows of emotional and physical abandonment.
Weary. This posting is not an endeavor to impart wisdom or mirth but rather a snapshot of winter winds howling through a storm in process. Some will say "where is your God in these times, these storms of your life?" As always, He is my ever-present comfort and source, never failing me or faltering as he leads me. Never was a path around the difficulties promised but a companionship through them was covenanted. And this is but a season.
A truth even those living in the most desolate of regions on this sphere comprehend is simply this: change comes through the seasons. We have seasons in our marriages, seasons in our families, even seasons in our faith. Our lives are the culminations of seasons; snapshots of beauty, pain, triumph and even defeat but ulitmately when we lay our lives down in service to our Lord, and the snapshots are taken for His glory, then the portfolio takes on meaning and we inexplicably find we have something of worth within us where we previously doubted ourselves, doubted others, and even doubted Him.
The winds are still blowing cold, both outside and inwardly, but I know that warm breezes kissed with gentle fragrances are gathering on the horrizon of the near future. I also know the inward exhortation to "Weary not in doing good" is daily moving me, not only towards a brighter future, but towards a return on the effort that is beyond my limited scope of reasoning to reconcile as hearts and minds of this sphere are transformed eternally for Him.
"To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven"
Ecclesiates 3:1 AMP
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9 ESV
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